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The Clark & Lewis Show
Greg Keeler song lyrics (© 2001 Greg Keeler)

1. One-Foot-Six-Inch Watermelon-Headed Native American Welshmen
2. Barber Shop Grizzley-Killing Song
3. Talking Sacagawea Blues
4. Voyager's Grease Jingle
5. Don't Think (Lewis' Song)
6. Salmon Song
7. On the Cutting Edge
8. Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery Rag
9. The Fiddlin' Devil and his Dancin' Fools
10. Ride the Wide Music
11. If I Only Had a Gun

One-Foot-Six-Inch Watermelon-Headed Native American Welshmen

Chorus
Half way between St. Louis and the Mandan Villages
the Little People can be found.
Yes, they're prophetic little beggars and the Indians figure that
they live in the Spirit Mound.
But by our calculations, they're more like our relations
who came here from the British Isles.
Yes, they're the one-foot-six-inch watermelon-headed
Native American Welshmen.

And here's what one said to Lewis.
"From what the spirits send to me,
you'll be your own worst enemy
somewhere along the Natches Trace.
And eveywhere your party marches
I see scores of golden arches
springing up all over the place,
and if that ain't enough to know,
you'll shuffel off the buffalo
and replace 'em with some mooing pooping creatures.
And what I'm seein' now boys
is the Indians change to cowboys
who die out then reappear in double features.

Chorus
And right now the cosmic vibes
are tellin' me that many tribes
will turn into machines of steel:
Winnebagos and Dakotas,
Cherokees -- they'll all have motors
and move around on rubber wheels.
And that journal that you're writin'
and right now find so excitin'
will be a nightmare of procrastination.
You'll let that Great White Father down
who sent you here to look around.
Yes, your future is one desperate situation."

Chorus
(This time add the following after last line, then repeat last line.)
Don't make much sense now that I've said it.

Barber Shop Grizzley-Killing Song

As we were paddling our canoes one day
in the merry merry month of May,
we saw a beast that made us shiver,
several paces from the river,
so we thought we'd try to blow that thing away.

Well, six marksmen up and jumped to shore,
not perceiving what they had in store.
Shot four times, that beast grew bolder.
Two more shots just broke its shoulder,
and that only made it just a little sore.

Two guys dashed to their canoe,
do do do do do do do do do do do.
'F you were them, well so would you.
do do do do do do do do do.

What happened to the four who stayed?
They hid within a willow glade,
and with their faces stretched in creases,
they reloaded all their pieces.
But four more shots just gave their hiding place away.

So three guys threw their guns aside,
and without another place to hide,
they couldn't be particular
and plunged 20 feet perpendicular
to the river with that monster by their side.

It almost caught the three who fled
do do do do do do do do do do do.
The fourth who stayed, he shot it dead
do do do do do do do do do.

When we were sure the bear had died,
we relieved it of its fleece and hide,
and we saw that before we slew him,
eight bullets had passed through him.
God strike us all dead if you think we've lied.

Talking Sacagawea Blues

You ever see those road signs of Lewis and Clark,
pointing the way and making their mark?
Well, when it comes to whoppers, that one's a gem
'cause someone was pointing the way for them --
for instance -- me!

Chorus: That's what I'm sayin',
and, by the way, I'm
not Sacajawea; I'm Sacagawea.

Now I'm not painting myself as a victim.
Hell, I could have fooled 'em. I could have tricked 'em.
I could have blown the whole operation without a doubt --
but somehow, over the years, I developed a habit of helping people out --
not that it came easy -- let me take you back to the beginning.

Years ago, I was born and bred
near a big rock shaped like a beaver head,
yes, in the prettiest spot in the whole wide world.
I considered myself one lucky girl --
that is, till the Hidatsa killed most of my family and kidnapped me.

When things had gotten 'bout as bad as they get,
those Hidatsa lost me on a bet
to a French trapper named Charbonneau.
I didn't resist; I went with the flow and married him, even though
he married a couple other girls at the time
won them too -- same bet.

Chorus

Turned out Charbonneau was a pretty good buddy.
He took me and the other wives down to the Big Muddy
and that village where the Mandans live
to see what the traders down there might give
for his furs.Hell, things could have been worse.
He could have seen what they'd give for ME.

That fall while me and my husband were fishin'
we saw this great big expedition
come polin and rowin in flatboats and canoes
lookin a little dazed and confused
about where they were goin'.

Well, we all stayed there with the Mandans till spring,
and when they left, those fellas wanted to bring
Charbonneau along--and also (of all of his wives) me.
Forget that I was fifteen and just had a kid!

Chorus

Well, as if waiting on Charbonneau wasn't enough,
before I knew it, I was doing stuff
for that whole damned expedition.
They had me putting up tents and finding food
and fixing meals for all of them dudes,
and doing stuff you just flat out won't find in their rendition.
(and I'd just had a kid!)

And I learned somethin' 'bout Charbonneau I hadn't had a clue of:
That is, my hubby was one hell of a screw up.
Yup, one awful time when the goin' got tough,
he tipped over a boat with the journals, equipment and stuff,
and instead of settin things back right,
he just stood there bellerin' with all his might
like a big ol' moose that's stuck in the mud.
so it was left to me to pick up after that dud,
and I pretty much salvaged everything he soaked.
But did anyone thank me?What a Joke!

Chorus

Came time to portage 'round the Great Falls,
I got real sick as I recall,
and since Lewis wasn't around, Clark decided to bleed me!
He drained my blood till I was darned near dust,
and when it didn't help he gave up in disgust,
but then Lewis returned and fixed me up because, in his words, they were
gonna need me.
Noooooo, not as a caring loving human being
but as a sort of TOOL to get horses from my people --
nope, nothing worse than a broken tool without any blood in it --
good thing Lewis was such a good mechanic.

Chorus

But when we finally got to my people's land,
Lewis asked me the word for white man
in Shoshone.
Well, that turned out to be quite a chore
'cause my folks had never seen a white man before --
and most likely couldn't tell one from a pile of bologna.

'Bout all I could think of was the word for stranger --
which was a little tricky and presented some danger
'cause "enemy" was the other meaning of that same word.

And when they went to look for my kin,
bein' fools (and bein' MEN),
they didn't take me to help 'em 'cause they were flat out too proud.
So when Lewis spotted a Shoshone brave,
he darned near put himself in the grave
'cause he jumped up and down yellin' ENEMY ENEMY real loud.

Chorus

When it comes to screw ups, that one takes the cake,
though there are a couple others that still make
me see red when I think of how those greenhorns got my goat --
like the time they traded my priceless blue beads
for an otter skin robe to suit their own needs,
while I wound up with Clark's old beat up blue coat.

Or at the end of the trip when Lewis got enough dough
to pay five hundred dollars to Charbonneau
and gave land and bucks to almost every guy on the trip.
I don't mean to sound like an ingrate,
and I try to deal with my rage and my hate,
but me and Clark's slave, York, well, we got zip.
(Never mind that we both did double over-time.)

Chorus

Ah, but don't let me end on a sour note.
Some good stuff happened -- like I got to vote
on where we set up camp when we got out to the West Coast.
And Clark took me along on a special tour
to see a whale and the ocean -- so I'll abjour
and look on the bright side at the things I valued most.

For in all of our travels, one special joy
was giving birth to my baby boy
who was with me that whole trip, my own Jean Baptist.
And one night while I lay down crying,
Doc Lewis saved my boy from dying.
All told, I guess I loved that man, to say the least.

Chorus

Voyager's Grease Jingle
(sold to the expedition by some enterprising hunters coming down-river)

Voyagers grease, voyager's grease,
It will solve all your problems.
It will feed man or beast.
Whether beaver, bear, elk or deer,
fish or duck or geese,
you can cook it for a connoisseur
in voyager's grease.

Will it loosen up my bowels?
Yup no more constipation scowls.
Will it make a healing ointment?
Without a doctor's appointment.
Can I attract the gals with it?
They'll buzz around like flies on -- sugar.
You can shrink down your hemorrhoids.
You can cook up a feast
with the magic of voyager's grease.

Voyager's grease, voyager's grease --
it'll fatten up the skinny.
It'll shrink the obese.
It's more pure than holy water;
just ask any priest.
It's a miracle.It's voyager's grease.

It's a dietary credo.
Look! it keeps away mosquitoes.
It'll answer all your prayers.
Look! it unprickles prickley pears.
Will it stifle my diarrhea?
It's a gastric panacea.
It'll heal up a cut.
It'll stifle a sneeze.
It's the magic of voyager's grease

(Repeat first verse)

Don't Think (Lewis' Song)

Lewis: For all the men have gone through,
I'm amazed they don't complain.
They pull the boats with naked feet
in heat and wind and rain.
But I seldom hear their whimpers.
I seldom hear their sighs.
I'm mighty proud to be with such
extraordinary guys.

But when I think about it,
they didn't have much choice.
In the schemes I foisted off on them,
they didn't have a voice.
They didn't say, "not me, Sir."
They didn't say, "alas!"
when I'd go off the deep end
or get a wild hair up my ass.
I think they think I'm crazy.
I think they think I'm nuts.

Clark: Hey, that's what you get for thinking.
I think you think too much.

Chorus

Lewis: When I contemplate our mission,
it puffs me up with pride --
to make contact with the natives
and make peace among the tribes,
to ascend the great Missouri
and find that ocean to the west,
to further trade for my great land --
I feel that I've been blessed.

But sometimes I start thinking,
about the same ol' speech I make
every time we meet a tribe.
They must think, "for goodness sake,
These white guys sure are boring.
What good could we be taught,
When this dud who leads them can't come up
with an original thought.
I think I'd best revise the speech,
so I don't seem out of touch

Clark: That's what you get for thinking.
I think you think too much.

Chorus

Lewis:I'm sure glad Sacagawea
and Clark's man-servant York
came along to help us
get out to the three forks.
Without their knowledge, strength and drive,
this journey might have failed.
Though they're from different cultures,
their skills stand unassailed.

But when I think about her,
how she was kidnapped from her world
and pressed into hard labor
though she was just a pregnant girl,
and when I think about him,
and how nobly he behaves
and when I realize
that he was purchased as a slave,
I think that I'm an evil man,
a hypocrite and such.

Clark: That's what you get for thinking.
I think you think too much.

Chorus

Salmon Song

If you manage to make it to that great divide
and navigate down to Fort Clatsop,
there's a fish there of which you'll grow so sick and tired,
you'll be tempted to fry you some rats up.

It's so abundant, you'll eat it until
you need to get your head examined.
You'll eat it and eat it till you're filled to the gills.
Heaven save us from the salmon.

Well its dog brain for breakfast, dog haunches for lunch.
For dinner it's fried puppy fritters.
No, dog ain't bad tastin' 'cause when you're in a crunch,
you're bound to eat all kinds of critters.

But there's one food that you'll have to pay us to eat
'cause we'd pretty much rather face famine
than resort to that red piscatorial meat
otherwise known as the salmon.

Well we shot all the elk with our muskets and balls
within fifty miles of Fort Clatsop.
We fried anything that walks, slithers or crawls,
even though our fare predated katsup.

We ate things we wouldn't have dreamed of before.
We even resorted to clammin'.
A clam tastes about like a cold bag of gore.
But it sure beats the hell out of salmon.

On the Cutting Edge
(to Puttin' on the Ritz)

For this mission to the sea,
we'll need the new technology
when all is said,
on the cutting edge.

I hope that perhaps you'll pull for
this boat that's collapsible for
our portage,
on the cutting edge.

I'd say that our chances are terrific.
It will take us out to the Pacific
and make us mythic.

If I knew, I'd surely show you
where we'll go, I only know that
great men tread:
on the cutting edge.

You might think it's just a trifle,
but this silent new air rifle
is, I pledge,
on the cutting edge.

When we greet the natives I'll impute it
with big medicine. They won't dispute it
when I shoot it.

When I purchased our supplies,
I only searched for what the wise
have all alleged
is on the cutting edge.

If you think, you know the poop
then you will drink portable soup
when you get fed
on the cutting edge.

It's so easy to fix, any dummy
can mix it up and dump it in his tummy,
yummy wum wummy.

So you see I've covered all
the angles.Gee, that's what we call
thinking ahead,
on the cutting edge.

Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery Rag

The Louisiana Purchase opened up some doors
To finance those Napoleonic wars,
The deal of the century but what would we do with it now.
The Missippi drainage ain't exactly hay.
At least, that's what Thomas Jefferson said one day.
It's a whole lot of room to trap and chop and plow.
And there just might be a Northwest Passage somewhere up there,
But we've gotta beat the French and British to it
And corner that fur trade.Yeh, we gotta do it.
So he called me up one fortuitous night
and asked me if I'd try with all my might
To put my place in history in the bag.
I said, "You bet," then called on Clark,
And together we were ready to make our mark
With the Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery Rag.

Well, fifteen million bucks seemed fair
For an eight hundred thousand mile square
Tract of land that nearly doubled America's size.
So Tom gave us twenty five hundred bucks,
Pointed up the Missouri and said, "Good luck.
That's where this country's economic future lies."
Yes, politics and money followed us most all the way.
At the head of the Missouri, we found three rivers, and
We named 'em after Madison and Gallatin and Jefferson.
We boldly go where no one dares.
We fight off mosquitoes and grizzly bears.
We're really something, though we don't mean to brag.
We've made friends with all kinds of tribes
by offering vermilion and beads for bribes.
We're the Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery.
We'll open up the West.Wouldn't it be loverly.
The Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery Rag.

The Fiddlin' Devil and his Dancin' Fools

If you're out to St. Louis and you want to track down
the best river man in the whole damned town,
there's this fella there who I once saw
whose blood's half French and half Omaha.
He can navigate a river like nature's child,
and he can play a fiddle like it's goin' out of style,
so spit out your chew and take off your hat,
and let me introduce you to Pete Cruzatte.

Chorus

Pete Cruzatte, he's off on a lark
with Captain Lewis and ol' Bill Clark,
and according to the tribes upriver they rule
as the fiddlin' devil and the dancin' fools.

Must have been winter eighteen ought five
at a Mandan village after Charbonneau arrived,
to stave off the cold and settle our spats,
we wound up callin' on Pete Cruzatte.
While the Corps of Discovery and the Mandans danced,
ol' Pete played like he was in a trance.
While he rocked and he swayed with his fiddlin' band,
we all watched Charbonneau dancin' on his hands.

Chorus

Well we fiddled and danced all the way to the coast,
castin' our spell on our Indian hosts,
and on our way back 'fore the fiddlin' was through,
several hundred Wallawallas was dancin' too.
But once when Lewis was huntin', Cruzatte
shot him accidentally in the ass,
and that might have caused all the music to end
if Pete hadn't been his best fiddlin' friend.

Chorus

Ride the Wide Music

Sing your song, you long Missouri.
Sing it loud in the mountains.
Sing it soft on the plains.
Sing away our cares and worries.
We'll ride the wide music through the sun, wind and rain.
Your song and your dance went
through scenes of enchantment,
leading us on toward a dream far away.
Who knows if tomorrow
will bring joy or sorrow.
We'll follow the river and live for the day.

Sound your falls you tall Missouri.
Let them drop in a thunder;
let them rise in a spray.
Turn to white and write your story
in the rock of the world; then be back on your way.
Don't try to describe
all the mysteries it hides.
The sight's not for pictures. The sound's not for words.
Your thoughts are in vain so
it sends up a rainbow
that stays in your heart like an old song you heard.

Play your tune you blue Missouri.
Play it sad through the night.
Play it light through the day.
Our backs are tired; our heads are weary,
so heal up our spirits and bear us away.
Beguile us and try us
beside the Marias.
You can't fool a heart that flows clear and free.
With your native daughter,
we'll climb your headwaters
and find where your birth makes one river of three.

Repeathalf of first verse

If I Only Had a Gun
(to If I Only Had a Brain) and sung by a Shoshone brave

I could blow away marauders,
protect my lovely daughters,
go hunting with my sons.
Shooting elk would be easy and
a bear would be a breeze, yes
if I only had a gun.

I need to be released from
a mind that thinks of feastin',
a gut that don't get none.
I know I'd be vowin'
that my tribe would be chowin'
if I only had a gun.

I'd be elite
like the Blackfeet.
I'd drive away Hidatsas by the score.
I'd shoot some things I'd never shot before
and then reload and shoot some more.

I would never be a victim.
My enemies, I'd lick 'em.
My battles would be won.
With the shots I'd be firin',
I'd be fiercer than a lion
if I only had a gun--

a gun, a rod, a piece.